He dyes his hair, fake tans and lies constantly. What did you really expect from him?
A better fuck for starters.
I hate thxgiving break now because that totally means I'm not able to have sex for a week.
Drank another frat president under the table. Thinking of starting my own, gonna call it Alpha Phi Alcoholics
It's been 5 months since I last wore a condom.
Not including when spray tanning
Sorry I pissed in your dining room and kicked your best friend in the face while he was passed out.
I know how I'm going to make my fortune.. designing an icepack made specifically for the vagina.
This is a great bar, except you can't even randomly burst into song without them assuming you're drunk and cutting you off.
He sent me a snap chat of his naked torso with cookies over his nipples. Like.... that does not make me want you homeboy.
Over 50% of the drunkest nights I have ever had began with me saying "I'll just drink my dinner" to you.
Hey! Where are you? It's Irrisponsible Patio time and you're not here firing shots down summer student's throats
I basically have sex lined up for me in three different countries. If that's not a feat I don't know what is
I'm sorry that throwing up fish and Jamaican Rum in the back of your dad's car ruined our friendship
I miss using glorious as an adjective. I'm gonna start doing that again. And I'm gonna try to get cuntatrosphe in there some more, too.
Her neighbors? They're nice. Young family. Tried not to get puke on their side of the lawn.
I just want to have sex that doesn't end like a B-rated horror movie.
Randomize
