So some guy at the party is convinced I'm Edward Cullen. He keeps calling me "Twilight" and following me around with a stake. I'm concerned.
Their wedding is on my 21st birthday. I fail to see a way that this could end poorly.
Listen, this was just a tiny lapse of judgement.
I'm pretty sure that's not a synonym for pregnancy.
He literally is quoting that 21 questions song, the 50 cent one. oh my god.
why is my new profile picture on Facebook one of me with a bunch of strangers on an elevator?
was it me or did you scream 'champagne motherfucker' when you punched him in the face ??
somebody put my brain in a crown royal bag and beat the shit out of it
Thank god crabs can't live on your head. Thank god.
COME HERE WE MELTED A CORONA BOTTLE WITH FIREWORKS
Happy Birhtday!
Dad, it's 3am and it's not my birthday... wherever you are, go home
If waking up at 6 50 pm every day and getting invited to go have sex as you wake up is what alcoholism is like I can get use to this.
i peed in the parking lot at work not even thinking, a woman saw
how do you make "fuck me in the break room" sound casual?
I'm on the fast track to lesbian land
yeah. i tried to refuse to leave unless the burger king himself escorted me out. that didnt fly
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