I need to shower the guilt off of my thighs.
my penis was classy and tasteful, i don't know what her problem was.
you definitely held a convo with a hobo
we have a secret handshake
I'm going to rape someone's good day.
I wonder if all of the nights I blacked out will be revealed to me when I die. Have you ever thought about that?
New first...just saw an entire family of homeless hitch hikers...kids and all. God, i love Oklahoma!
Just chased ups truck with a half wiped ass for you. You're making dinner tonight
His phone pocket dialed me while he was crapping. He was quietly singing stayin alive and possibly passing his intestines.
First of all you're supposed to say "you're not fat". And second of all never ever deprive me of nachos.
PLEASE HELP ME THE AMERICANS ARE YELLING ABOUT TURKEY, I DON'T KNOW WHAT TO DO
All I wanted was a couple of orgasms before work, is that too much to ask?!
My one night stand asked me out to dinner. When he came to pick me up I got in the back seat. I thought he sent an uber. Awkward.
Dude, he turned on “London Bridge” by Fergie and GAVE ME A LAP DANCE.
i woke up and couldnt remember who was in my bed and it was so dark.. i rolled over and started kissing him and feeling his face because hey... if the blind can see like that.. maybe i could too
My breath smells like gin and sadness
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