He looked me in the chest and said "I think I was visited by the titty fairy last night"
Found my sandals in your freezer this morning, THANKS
He went down on me in his escalade and his dick is bigger than my forearm. I'm never going back to white guys.
Please tell me that text was part of your elaborate Brett Favre costume; otherwise, dude, wtf?
Still can't believe they give people like us a drivers license and college degree.
She just ended a sentence with "and he doesn't even mind my herpes..."
But i don't feel like talking to him right now. I woke up an hour ago to a picture of his penis and I AM NOT A MORNING PERSON.
That's cool. At least the punch line of my story isn't I shit in a booth at Denny's.
Well sorry I accidentally spooned your mom and possibly threw up on you
I've found a new low. I was climb-on-the-bar-piano drunk.
she was concerned about my dick piercings.
Spent 38 bucks on dollar wells last night. I'm pretty sure my liver is staging a mutiny right now.
You were sober bartending last night right?
Sorta. I remember you crying, ripping rose petals off the flower stem and slowly sprinkling them behind the bar at me and singing softly
Romantic
I can't really text bc it's too expensive but I thought youd like to know I just shit myself in a gift shop.
It’s just a penis. It’s like every other penis except it’s not the one you’re married to. Ride it or don’t ride it, but don’t agonize about it
Your not going to hell because you need some strange and the neighbor noticed you look damn good in a bikini
Randomize
