in the event that i am dead, my body is laying in the intersection of ... the pearl in springfield. it was my friend's 21st but i think i'm dead. wearing a black top. like i said, probably dead.
Matt just took me to visit my puke stain from 2 weeks ago at the train station...I'm fucking impressive
Someone just asked if you were the one who rode around the bar on some girls back
He told everyone he was freezing their keys so they couldn't drive drunk. When I opened the freezer this morning, my keys were at the bottom of an unfrozen ice cream tub of vodka.
Its only.eleven and we are already chasing a man on a bike with a bag full of burger king
He set an alarm on my phone to an infant screaming and puking to make sure i take my pill. its working.
No, the weekend was great. It was the waking up in the pond in the raft without an oar that sucked. That fucking water is cold at 7am.
If you spent as much time trying to get laid as you do masturbating you would surpass all of us.
That point of drunk where you're in a bar bathroom and you're like "F*ck you bra! I'm not taking your sh*t anymore! and you take it off and throw it in a trashcan.
The trash can in my living room is full of Popsicle sticks and my vibrator has taken up permanent residence on my coffee table. I'm not doing anything productive. Clearly.
I'm a bit broke right now... Would it be OK if I pay you in champagne and Xanax?
Wine and a Lunchable. That would be depressing if it wasn't the pepperoni and mozzarella one. Those are the shit!
I just learned in class that female whales slap their fins against the water and then ten males come and fight for her yet we can't get guys to text us back
New goal find someone I love enough to use these Japanese pancake flavored condoms on
This is not okay. I only like one boy. I should like 200 boys and be having wild unprecedented sex. Instead I like one boy whose a born again virgin.
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