the guy in front of me just bought a pound of bacon, a bouquet, and a case of budlight, i want to see THAT makeup sex
margarita scented body wash shouldn't be used the morning after cuervo. there should be a warning on the label.
Just waterfalled in the movie theatre... this is the beginning to a good night
as soon as I walked into work this morning, my boss called me out on my hangover, patted me on the back and said I'm getting time an a half for even showing up. Did I really look that bad this morning?
It's hard to be above the influence when you are the influence.
what is it with giant penises always finding me
No amount of marijuana is enough to justify blood on my ceiling
at one point i was feeding a guy sour cream chips and he made me make the "choo choo" noise as they were going in. \ni feel so much closer to him now.\n
I give you full permission to seriously injure me the next time I think it's a good idea to face a bottle of vodka
I need to pay that drinking in public ticket, but I also really want to get a spray tan next week... so priorities.
If I had your job the next day id be on the news. And not the good news. Like fox & friends. Nancy grace would have my ass.
My roommate just caught me cleaning a tostitos queso jar with my hand and eating it. He didn't judge. Bonding moment.
You slapped the bar and yelled "daddys thirsty!" at the lady behind the bar
To be fair I was thirsty
When she told you not to yell you looked directly at me and screamed "Man, she sucks!"
the amount of times i have been intoxicated, barefoot, and in a robe at 3 am at the quick check by your house is impressive, especially since i live an hour away
I am beginning to doubt your commitment to my making poor choices tonight
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