What did we do last night that was yellow?
Todays outfit involves shorts with embroidered fish. This kids gonna die.
you told the bartender not to open the bottle because you were gonna put it in your purse in case you get cut off later
you kept insisting that i was jake gyllenhaal and you were heath ledger.
got fuckng wasted at spring training, got a lap dance at le girls, got a burrito at filibertos, and still made it to my 5 o'clock eco class wearing a bikini top....I love Arizona State University
i am one fart away from being 2 for 2 on this whole shitting my pants thing.
I just try to date guys based on what I need like I am trying to find an electrician now
You gays are geniuses
I had a drink called "the white nun." It tasted like Marshmallows, and celibacy.
Drunk texting is the poetry of my life
I can't believe you didn't come out. There was a duckling ON THE BAR!
All I found in my purse this morning was 160 cigarettes and a fistful of confetti.
He called me baby cakes during sex... Can U not
ever since I turned 21 the mother-daughter bonding sessions always end with whiskey and my little pony. I don't know why, it's just a thing that happens
I told you about the baby at the graduation party that looked into my eyes and knew I was empty inside
How many weight watcher activity points do you think sex is worth?
Randomize
