when I forget a girls name in bed I ask her her middle name then tell her i'm gonna call her that from now on
Speaking of school, I've done the math and I get laid about 10 times more often than I did before I got my law degree. $100,000 well spent.
Training to be a housewife: cleaning the house and masturbating while cookies are in the oven.
He said he wanted to see my room, not my womb. It's a common mistake.
At some point tonight the bad ideas in my head became bad decisions that happened outside my head
Remind me in the future that chugging dog codeine is not the best idea.
"If it gets you high just do it" I told him he was the Nike of drug abuse
My wife just tried to justify to me why she wants to bring a girl into bed with us. I should win an academy award for my face and response of 'well of its what you need.'
It's funny that when I fall down as an adult I'm so much happier no one saw than that I'm not seriously hurt.
That's the 3rd time in 6 months I woke up on the hallway floor using a towel as a blanket, no clue how I got there. At least back when I was still drinking I could blame something other than myself for that kind of shit.
You should go to AA meetings and warn people about the dangers of sobriety.
are you just sitting in your hotel room drinking popsicle vodka?
.....well anything sounds bad when you say it like THAT
I just got St Patricks day and the day after St Patricks day off, wich I'm pretty sure is as close to a raise as I'll ever get.
I offered him midol and told him "it always helps my period so maybe it'll help yours"
once he tried to wake me up from my hangover nap to have sex, that's when things went downhill. he had to go.
Driving, getting head and talking to your boss on the phone is not a good combination. I nearly died
Randomize
