she says her boyfriend and her dignity are both out of town tonight
Our relationship is like that beach boys song "help me Rhonda" and I'm fucking Rhonda. And Rhondas's the whore in case you've never heard it.
i would totally switch to progressive if they'd let me bang that girl in the commercial.
Why is your signature on my underwear?
Nothing says happy baby shower like showing up still kinda drunk from last night with an open tall boy in one hand and fries in the other.
It's a gift. Kind of like morning wood in my brain.
One of my students in my 8am class brought me a Tim Hortons cup with a bloody Mary in it. Clearly, I didn't manage to look not drunk when I ran into him at Denny's at 4am. Who decided to let me teach?
You've been drinking wine and eating bacon all afternoon. HOW IS THAT DOING GOOD?!?!
You threw an open can of pop at me while I was lying on the floor babbling and drooling about how I need to be alone forever, me and my leaking face.
He's on the bus now and took off his Amish hat so just his long ginger beard is present. Goodbye, majestic Amish ginger. Go forth and represent your minority well.
Imagine Arby's curly fries spiraled around a dick
I woke up not knowing what state I was in. Turns out, people from Deleware are pretty helpful.
Something like, "Merry Christmas. I hope Santa shits in your mouth."?
While I was giving him head he told me he had to go door to door the next day and "spread the word of Jesus Christ" I felt like a Disney villain out to steal his virtue.
You will be reminded everyday when you witness my majestic mustache.
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