I'm like a rollypolly, I only open my legs up when I feel safe.
i was just singing like a virgin out loud my mom told me to stop kidding myself
You kept whispering, no one does me like Jimmy Johns does me.
I swear this guy grew up in land without leagues. someone should inform him he's way out of mine
Then, he just started shoving orange pieces in my mouth as a chaser
Police were closing down the bar due to gunfight and I was crying because they wouldn't let me finish putting temporary shamrock tats on my boobs
Sent him a picture of my pregnant boobs from last year, think he'll notice the difference?
STOP LICKING HIS MUSTACHE
Every bathroom has like throw up and like bagels in it. Richie didn't even have bagels.
Yeah. I couldn't figure out why my toes hurt. Apparently, the guy I was dancing with, kept running them over with his wheelchair.
you made out with another girl for some wings
Do you think showing up at his door with bourbon and chicken is too forward?
We need to borrow someone's dog. Just so we can non-creepily go to PetSmart and watch all the other dogs take photos with Santa
I doubt the gods of funday Sunday would exact such a high price... But it's good to know an afternoon with me is worth a left foot.
No one should have to go to work between Christmas and New Years, but here I am twirling in my office chair and putting Jack in my coffee like I’m back in college studying for finals.
Randomize
