I just chugged a whole pitcher of beer in 1 min. 9 sec. A whole goddamn pitcher.
i was puking in the toilet, he walked in and to talk to me and started puking in the sink.. Could this be my perfect man??
I woke up this morning with a bag of pepperonis in my bed.... and my facebook status was "pepperonis"
fuck that im pissed. when I come back im ripping forskin off.
Wait, how is it that I'm just getting ready to go out and you're already showing your penis to freshmen girls?
I wonder if they have a "21st birthday" section in the hospital..
Might be time to reevaluate my life. Banned from red roofs inns. Apparently I puked in ice machine. 3 hotels in a year.
Shouldn't have fucked on the top bunk, I bounced so high my hair got caught in the ceiling fan and almost broke my neck.
HOW IS IT EARTHLY POSSIBLE TO DO THAT MUCH DAMAGE WITH JUST MY THUMBS?? HOW???
The waitress asked if you wanted white or brown, and you said "Isn't it all the same color when it's toasted?". She stared at you for about 20 seconds before she decided that you weren't fucking with her.
I fell asleep on the floor again. i dont want help, just a pillow. its kind of nice down here.
I don't know. I'm drunk and dressed as a pirate but ill do the math tomorrow morning.
I told my coworker that I'm going to a dinner party and was asked to bring wine and pregnancy tests and he was like.. I miss being 20
National champion athletes like gay butt sex, too. I'm just here to help them out.
We sexted for four hours straight. Is this really what my life has come to?
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