Something growled at me in your dark backyard last nt. Hoping it was my landwalking laser sharks and not Andy.
My poor mother should have just stuffed me back up her vagina when she had the chance.
did you fuck him yet?
hahaha who do you think your talking to.. a nun?
the lady next to me just sniffed my hair, smiled, and then fell asleep. I almost started crying from that kind of creepiness
don't cry, we can learn from her
Ok, Jen and I are going out tonight and getting rowdy. I think you and Steph need to come. I understand if you can't, but not going out means you're automatically obligated to post bail. If necessary.
She was covered in mud grabbed my crotch and said see that handprint that means I called dibs
Come over. I'll eat you out and we'll make bacon.
best text I've received ever.
You'll have to pretend I'm texting you with buddychecks.
Like the Jimeny Cricket of cockblocks.
So this 40 year old woman was trying to bring me into the bathroom to blow me and the bartender called the cops on her because she was showing her tits. Only in asbury.
Almost threw up on my grandmother as she walked in the house. Had to run to the bathroom and vomit my brains out. Prolly getting taken out of the Will now.
party tonight. bring as many traffic cones as you can find. we need to section off the blackout drunks way better this time
I just had a sex dream about orange juice, so there's that.
AND I HAVE A NICE COCK! A STRIPPER TOLD ME SO IT MUST BE TRUE!
These are the last few fleeting sober moments of the day for me. If there is anything you need me to do today, please tell me now
No we were too stoned to stop you from wiping the peanut butter all over the car.
Randomize
