if you made me into a cookie and threw me into a betty crocker easy bake oven on christmas morning...that's how baked i am
I'm at the point in my career when i know a sites a trap and isn't real porn
I just found 3 condoms in my math textbook... in the probability section... Under dependent and independent events...
no dont talk to me..because of you my bar tab was more expensive than my hospital bill
is there a legit reason for the weird voicemail I got at 2:14am?all I could make out was 'help me' 'two hours' and 'toilet butt'. wtf did u drink.
There are topless girls riding the lawn flamingos. I win.
Also I'm sitting home alone with a big ass bowl of marshmallows right now just eating. It's so sad.
I say go for the trifecta and maybe you'll get a medal or something. Or a baby. That's like the same thing right?
Watching the wiggles while tripping on acid is the scariest fucking thing of all time
the amount I squirted last night was insane. Im glad i ignored tlc's advice, i went chasing waterfalls and loved every god damn minute of it.
Less adorably, the dog stared me down, yelping, while I gave him a morning blowie.
He was cheering for me from the end of the bar as I sloppily ate a Ruben sandwich. It made me feel really special.
I just ate apple sauce in my underwear. This isn't 30. This is 3.
My favorite bra is missing and I smell like beer and bad decisions. This is definitely a sign that hoe mode is activated.
I'm about to go get lunchables and alcohol. Take that adulthood
Randomize
