Heard at work: Get out of my face before I cuntpunch you so hard your granddaughters have miscarriages. I love my job.
I'm moving there. Get me hired.
I told you I would drunk text you sometime........its that time.
Well whatever you do have, it sure worked on me.
A Penis?
i just had sex with a fat kid who giggles when he cums. tequila really lowers my standards.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
apparently i found nail polish and started playing a game i made up called "paint a nail, do a shot"
That was a $3000 rug we rolled him down the hill in.
It's such a good feeling to send those "I'm not in jail" texts on Sunday morning
I'd be there a lot sooner if these damn stairs would stop moving.
I just woke up in my ex-boyfriends bed, with my new boyfriends jersey on. I love March maddness.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
You may want to re-read your sent texts from last night. You were texting me about your "fire shits" spelled 6 different ways between 3 and 5:30 AM.
Ummm, my mojito just spilled on 2 essays as I'm grading. Who says high schoolers have all the fun?
what the hell is that chicken wire thing she's holding?
An artistic expression of her stupidity.
if you come you're not allowed to wear pants. if you arrive wearing pants you won't be wearing them long.
He had to put his grandma's photo away before I tied him to the bed. She doesn't need to see any of that.
How did I get home last night?
We put your keys on a lanyard that asked anyone that found you to bring you home. A nice man in a cape, green shorts and a mesh shirt dropped you off this morning.
Oh. Yeah. Riiiggghhht
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