Anddd after the worst sex of my life, he said.."do you mind taking off the condom, tying it up, and throwing it at the door?" Weird.
What's the second line of that rhyme that starts "Vicodin before scotch...?"
hes either a crazy bad problem or a crazy good orgasm. I just can't decide which one.
Hey do you think you can sew an adult onsie with easy access if you know what I mean!!?? It must have bunny feet.
My sister was crawling her way home and kept asking us to carry her,then she insisted on grabbing at our ankles til she passed out, how was your night?
Also, just had a student offer to sell me Xanax. Want some? Just for like a rainy day. Or our memorial day shitshow. Or just another Wednesday night.
Being at this stripclub only reinforces how single I am. And I was *just* becoming okay with that.
You screamed "There's a potato in my anus" and proceeded to attempt to grind with the bouncer. Also, I'm pretty sure our Chem teacher was in the same bar as us.
I just came inside of a Gatorade bottle. That hungover.
Pretty sure I used toilet water to wash vomit off my face last night...
I'm putting his belongings the garage sale so he can buy his own stuff back. # divorced life. Thanks for cheating on me you tone deaf dick biscuit that'll be $20. Haha.
Update: I spent 10 minutes trying to fish out a rogue vagina weight.
I couldn't figure out what was more important, finishing the shot or putting out the fire on my leg.
Of course I'm watching space shows while stoned on the science channel. Why would I want to learn while not baked out of my skull?
Pro tip: If you tell him that his dick looks like a muppet then you won't have to see him again.
Randomize
