Joe is a total sociopath, I'm going to hook up with him tonight
he said i was chugging vodka in the parking lot, gave my # to a married man, started a food fight, and passed out at the bar. how could he NOT consider that a good first date???
my dad is drunk dialing our relatives who are stuck in a blizzard asking them to pick up sun tan lotion for him cause hes too drunk to drive to the store.
My wife googled 'purchase vibrator.' Not sure if I should be excited or offended.
they're using the ping pong table for ping pong. it's weird
why is there cat hair all over my deoderant?
she wanted to smell more freshershest than you.
i felt obligated to tell him happy birthday since we trashed his house and i fucked his friend in his basement
He needs to respect me before he can fuck me with cat ears on.
You picked up her frozen vom puddle and threw it like a frisbee.
Oh you know..Chillin with your dad.
With a fannypack full of drugs.
If there is a ladylike way to throw up in your favorite toilet, I just did it.
One of your snapchats was of you with a 40oz of Mickeys and the caption: "Deep Throat back in her natural habitat"
The coast is clear - also, would it bother you if I chose not to wear pants?
Do you think it's a bad sign of the outcome of the pregnancy test I'm about to take that I was eating a fudgsicle on the way into the drugstore? Would it make worse to tell you I also bought a big ass bag of Cornnuts?
Don’t get me wrong—I love silver and bracelets—but handcuffs are not a good look on me…
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