Why is it that every time I type the word "give" my phone spells out HIV?! You know how many people i've told I want to HIV them something!
please stop taking shits in my toilet and leaving them there.
she literally pooped in the closet. i sent the picture to everyone i know.
Thanks for not stopping me when I decided to call my mom at 2 in the morning to ask her where I was born
Hundreds of bug bites..Dad jokingly says "looks like you passed out naked in the woods somewhere"
I don't have patience to seek someone out and try to decipher whether or not I think I'd want to actually have their dick in my face.
Yeah man i woke up and only had a Jimmy John's wrapper covering myself..
Watched twin sisters make out thought it was amazing sick on their part but legit to watch
That dude with the beard walked up to me, turned my water into wine with everclear and kool-aid, and walked away. Pretty sure drunk Jesus is back.
Had the best sex Thursday night then Friday night I met his girlfriend. The worst thing is we became friends like she gave me her number.
I just saw someone dressed as a bear leave your house on a motorcycle. I guess you guys are having a good time.
Saw two pregnant women at court today and I SWEAR one of them said "we had a threesome with this random guy and he got both of us pregnant."
There's a bull to ride and dancing on the bar is encouraged. This is my heaven. And this is why god made leopard tube tops.
Wait wait wait. You are actually taking advice from this lunatic?
This is the girl who got a balloon full of cocaine through security no questions asked. Of course I'm taking her advice.
Valid.
Also, two points for knowing me well enough to know I definitely would put the moves on his brother.
Randomize
