I woke up this morning and thought "Im sure I've seen this house in a porno" and instantly googlemapped myself
you were so high you spent the rest of the night smelling pepper to prove you can sneeze with your eyes open
I was speaking french the whole night. Until i got arrested. Then I decided I should probably start speaking English.
Fuckkkk i made out with a freshman.....but he's old for his age. THIS IS WHAT HAPPENS WHEN YOURE NOT AROUND.
I don't appreciate the fact that you tagged me as a giant bucket Miracle Whip.
Some chick is drunk waving down a taxi with a slice of pizza.
Wow, im gonna be a great doctor..."hi let me save your life but first check out this pic of me deep throating a handle of grey goose"
You mAke me stone. Stone fuck fucking stoned. I'm an stoned you cuz now fucking stoned stoned fucking stoned I stone.
the most romantic thing he could do for me right now would be to throw himself into traffic
I'm pretty sure I'm the first person in the history of this college to rollerblade their walk of shame.
Riding the train home at 6 am for class still drunk is losing its novelty in my junior year
Can I tell you that I just incorporated the spice girls in my sexting and you not judge me
After this week, alcohol is mandatory.
Finding my pants in the morning should not make me this proud
I'm not fucking you with a Stormtrooper helmet on!
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