remember when u banged some random dude twice in the back restaurant room of the bar i work at with customers still there? and woke up with an enormous highschool-sized hickey this morning? no big deal.
Ok Hollywood, I get it. Megan Fox is hot. Now she is in a movie where she is so hot that dudes just fucking die. Great.
sperm doesn't mix with malibu too well
I just saw someone marching around outside wearing only a loincloth, dragging a fuckton of sheet metal. Spring has Sprung.
i seriously just licked my laptop for traces of blow from the other night
French fry pizza
Are you brilliant or just really high?
Can't it be both?
Vaginas creep me out. I'm disgusted by the look of them. I wonder if this is what having an ugly baby is like: you have to take care of it and love it but it just hurts you on the inside to look at it.
This girl has a mullet weave. I missed oakland.
Yeah but I get laid and I know. He drank toilet water last night and he doesn't know about that either. Still makes me happy though.
Still not over the fact that we prayed to Jesus to help us win beer pong
I'm daydrinking whiskey in a princess hat
moral of my life: don't tell a guy you want to have sex with him. he'll get back together with his ex.
drinks after work?
that question mark offends me.
My idiot ex texted me on Valentine's day to tell me I was right, he did need a therapist.
Sometimes at I wake up from a dead sleep at 1am and call the bar just to hear the clink of the glasses and the pouring of the beer on tap in the backround
Randomize
