I've never had a man I enjoyed more than steak
no, I didn't make it. Instead, i watched VH1 for... 13 hours? I use the question mark because I was using Flavor Flav's clocks to tell time after the first 3 hours.
I just realized that all of my cardio comes from dancing on tables.
Sorry I couldn't get my dick out
he told me he once ran a blackmarket liquor store out of his house. thats all it took for me to go home with him
She asked me why I was wearing a Batman Suit. Have I ever needed a reason to wear a Batman Suit?
i just saw some one pass a baby through the drive-thru window at dairy queen.
Her face is stuck to the frozen jager bottle. I think shes ok with it
Took me 12 hours to be sober again. Shitshow mission accomplished
I literally recorded a toilet flushing to make it his ringtone to remind me what a piece of shit he is
ugh he was not leaving in the morning so i tried to scare him by crying and saying i wasnt ready to lose my virginity.
I just did a drunk experiment to find out what it looks like when you turn a burner on the stove on while wearing night-vision goggles. I may be blind in my right eye now.
Ah that wonderful moment when you realise the bookmark you were using in a book you lent your mum is actually a receipt from a strip club
No I have an idea, I saw you running through the neighborhood at 3am while I searched for my flip flops in a ditch
Dude, I came home and you were passed out halfway through the front door in your Minnie Mouse outfit... with a beer still in hand
Randomize
