I haven't been laid since Bush was president.
Did you know the Dallas Cowboy cheerleaders have an exercise show ON Demand? Yeah, I had a lonely night
so my doctor just swabbed my throat, and he looked up in suprise when i had no gag reflex. yea, he just judged me.
jungle juice + heels + stairs = broken arm
Before I left in the morning I deleted her purity ring app off her iPod, I figured it would save her the shame
She just asked me if I was going to kiss her cat goodby too... This is why we don't stay till last call.
Just bonged a beer from a vuvuzela...this place is only doing good for me
I am trying to think of a way to tell him about thanksgiving and the following weekend in a way that makes me sound funny and exciting and not like an alcoholic
Did I really just find a cheez- it box full of condoms in your room?
Tip of the day: Don't ever send a bootycxall at 3 in aftnoon. No one will respond n u'll just feel fooolish.
IT'S A HOLY FESTIVAL. A BUDDHIST CELEBRATION OF PENIS.
I plan on drinking enough to kill at least 2 frat boys and make an aa meeting weep for joy
You called me into the kitchen so you could show me that you were peeing in the kitchen sink and then told me to leave bc you couldn't do it with me watching
WHY THE FUCK DID I HAVE TO FALL IN LOVE WITH A CONVICT
I WANT GRASS AND TREES NOT SOMEONE SWINGING A SWORD AROUND
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