At a stoplight watching a woman push groceries in a stroller while dodging oncoming traffic... Reallllly Detroit?
There's a girl in here wearing a kaballah bracelet and a miley Cyrus tshirt. consider her judged.
I just realized this is gonna be the last time that I'm high in my childhood home. I'm kinda sad. I'm really high..
My roommate is trying to suck beer out of the rug.
You called me at 2am singing 'happy birthday' while screaming 'I fucking love you' verses, all while eating a burrito and taking a piss off your apartment balcony
Yeah I know, the people below me already told me
I went on my dinner date pretending that my lunch date didn't jizz in my hair.
Already at the river; already getting fucked up. And yes that semicolon is legit because those are congruent statemests
Do you think you could handle being our babysitter if we roofied ourselves for fun??
"I'm gonna wax that ass" was the successful pick up line used on me last night. Clearly I had a few too many cause it worked..
You gotta start bringing a flask to work so you can get a head start
Possibly a very genius or very terrible idea...
Ate a live seahorse, then tried to order a nacho bell grande from an ATM.
How the fuck do you get to keep practicing as a Nurse.
well my grandpa saw your dick pic, so why don't you tell me how my day is going
Then a third Canadian I didn't know showed up to the hotel room at like 3am. I let him sleep in our bed because he had pizza.
It's okay, big boobs are better than running.
And somehow in between all the vomitting you managed to mumble "Well this is attractive!" And I swear that's when I fell in love. Best. First. Date. Ever!
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