Im handcuffed to some kid i hardly know. there are no cops involved
i don't care who i fucked last night, until im at 43plus im not considering myself slutty
i just know my balls have never hurt this bad before
We just found a handle of vodka in our fridge and no one knows how it got there. God I love spring break.
Would it be cruel if i sold xanax instead of adderall to freshman unfamiliar to the drug-taking profession?
My last google search last night was 'vodka swimming pool'.
I still cannot believe I yelled at every guy at the bar "you wanna get in this clam?!"
Well, I tried to shit into my refrigerator. It was a rough night.
Myy bathroom floor makes me think I'm on Mars. Also. Did you realize that yesterday we perfected thee mind high-five??
We've been walking through the woods for two hours, he just keeps taking pictures. At least we'll remember this tomorrow.
I also point out to everyone that she looks like DJ's gf on Roseanne.
Don't worry, I'm taking the best gay radar in the World, my sister's boobs. All guy who is not looking at them, it's fair play for us.
This whole having a new phone thing is like starting all over in life with a clean slate! (My old text convos are gone)
New phone new life!
How do you explain to your kids that you met their mother well you were giving her a gynecological exam??
the most terrified I've ever been was seeing Danny Devito squirming on the ground in this underwear, covered in hand sanitizer, completely hairless
Randomize
