Guys who wear capris make me want to kill endangered species.
Having sex with her was like reading the Wall Street Journal.
Sorry you had to hear me puke. I didn't know I called you. Was it graceful?
oh no you fucking didn't eat my mac and cheese you cunt
the story is to long to tell you via txt so when you notice the tattoo on your ass call me.
Will you please bring me a line of coke at work without asking questions?
I tried giving you a bj last night and all you could manage was "Haha that tickles" and "in the morning"
I found your doppelganger. same hair, eyes, personality, catch phrases, and penis. it was mind-boggeling.
No it's only my right leg that feels like it's about to fall off. The left is fine.
The one time my sister did shrooms she thought she was thumbalina. I can't live my life that way
The internet is out at West Chester so I'm masturbating using my imagination. What is this, the fucking dark ages?
We just won 1800 at the casino and are going to the strip club. Who gives a fuck if it's 5pm
He came back with a Butterfinger and vibrator batteries. There's no refusing him now.
For 15 minutes straight, he literally did every accent there was, from Russian to Bostonian. The issue: no one could determine whether he was sober, wasted, or anywhere in between
Seriously, I really just burned my nipple making ravioli.. I'd explain, but no reasoning makes this acceptable:/
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