so..some girl walked up to me on the porch last night. She came to apologize for peeing on our lawn a few days ago. I just looked at her and said it was ok, she wasn't the first.
we should drop off a car at the police station before going out tonight so we can drive home in the morning
i am bringing shame upon my ancesors with my weak liver valhalla will never accept me
Last night I passed a kidney stone as I came inside her. Worst. Experience. Ever.
I'm drinking with a guy who is a bigger asshole than me. We started a contest.
Dude we gotta go back to your cabin. left glenn. he's calling me crying and still drunk
That pizza at 1 am literally tasted like I was eating an angel
Literally had a conversation with the pizza as to why it was a bad idea to reach in the back seat and grab a slice while driving. The pizza was right, it was safer to just wait until I got home.
so, i guess i gotta chill on showing up to work hungover... someone anonymously left a bible in my work mailbox (no one else got one)
I'm just down here gazing up into your ivory tower of nudes
I solemnly swear to help bail you out of jail when you throw a dildo at a politician.
How awkward is it to have the guy you used to sleep with congratulate you on your engagement? I'll tell you. Very.
Ate a slug for 39 dollars
I wouldn't expect anything less from a PhD student
he's trapped himself under a bed and is screaming at a robot dog to give him a blowjob
Sorry about peeing on your phone last night
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