I just had sex in the back of an ambulance. Call me.
whats wrong with me. i have a coffee mug of wine in the library and i'm doing homework
Dude you called me last night to let me listen to you piss in a cup and drink it. Just making sure you survived
We discussed our relationship status. We're dating exclusively. And the conversation was followed by him saying "C'mon baby, let's make you orgasm!" .....I'm gonna marry him.
Reading in my econ of energy textbook about the US' largest oil spill from the 1990's.. guess i can't sell this one back either
So High I just made Cadbury Coffee. I don't know what it is yet, but it involves Cadbury Eggs and coffee.
sticking your hands in the toilet to wash your face is not acceptable. ever. i don't care how drunk you are.
Just had a tv talk show interview in my mirror. Got into to some pretty heavy shit man, would have made good viewing.
No it'll be my boobs and the luge part will be from my nipples. Everyone will be sucking beer from my perfectly sculpted and partially melted tits.
You're supposed to discourage my sluttiness not bring me hot Colombian men
How are you and your magical vagina doing today?
You know you're drunk when you have to be picked up out of a bathtub.
Hello! Time means nothing. Good morning! I have a vague idea of what day it is.
It is Muednethiday, March 34th, in the Year of Our Lord Joe Exotic 3099.
Don't ask but i need a priest, a calzone, a litre of gravy, and exactly 7 oreos
And a bag of nachos
Why the fuck is Ian Naked eating string cheese in my guest bedroom?
Randomize
