im keeping my plan b box as a souvenir of my first halloween weekend in college
Apparently the guard had to repeat "you're too drunk to get in" three times before I understood. I guess he was right.
at least franzia made me throw up pretty colors.
Never get a handjob from a girl who gives deep tissue massages.
we already have meals planned for the weekend.
SEMEN IS NOT A MEAL.
Found my id. It was in the cats litter box. Seriously what was last night.
Is "I want you to destroy my insides" too forward?
idk the fact that her roommate had a sign that said "enter without knock, exit without cock" makes me really NOT want to go steal her pot.
Um. Did you take a picture of me with a giant dildo after we went bowling?
I don't even care that it's before church. I feel like God actually wants me to have this shower beer.
There's a guy masturbating in front of Sephora right now
We’ve discussed sex and dinner. Like chicken nuggets while doing it doggie and watching tv.
I'm on a walk of shame carrying YOUR pants. You owe me.
I need a significant other who'll eat Skittles from my boobs
The neighborhood cougar just purred at me while I was doing yard work. I’m terrified and tumescent
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