Phrase i just heard while watching the U.S. open: "Boy they have really trimmed it well, this has got to be the tightest hole in the Open."
I might get fired at work today. I had to prioritize. It's not my fault Cockasaurus came over.
these two guys are about to go shot for shot with syrup
now he is talking to a potato
dude are you gonna smoke tonight? my day was shit and I wanna get high
worker bees can leave....even drones can fly away....the queen is their slave
nevermind....I'm on the way
Two man bar crawl was hectic. Just found leaves in my pocket.
a commercial for my antidepressant came on and they said you shouldn't take if if you drink right as i took a shot
god is laughing at you again
She just told me she blew the waiter in the bathroom. Should I still leave a tip?
He went down on me while I had rollers in my hair. I've never felt more like a lady.
My mascara kind of smells like tequila to me...Is this my body crying for help or asking for a shot?
I think he is probably a psycho that will eventually murder me but i mean the sex last time was AWESOME.
Had to snap chat three different people to ask who left the bite mark on my thigh. All three said "Wasn't me". Now I can't wear a bathing suit to my mom's pool.
Also my bed has glitter in it for reasons I do not recall
Thanks. It's every girl's dream, right? To blow a bald marketing consultant 12 years her senior?
With my son watching me, I pulled down my pants and shit in her trash can.
It's like I'm tryna ride my horse through dennis quaid’s vineyard
That's a sexy sentence
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