Stop. You don't mean that. Tequila might mean that. But you don't mean that.
she made my bed before she left. i think i'm gonna keep banging her to get the housework done
The Firefighter Games are going to be in Tampa the same weekend I am. I think God is answering my vagina's prayers.
I don't think requesting him as a BBM contact is proper protocol following vomming in his bed.
Everyone is hammered wasted already...young, old, the dying, babies...we got them all
This is davidson friend mat i an drunk. Thank you for having a physical relationship. With David. I bet he gas a penis the size of an elephant tusk. You are a lucky lady.
I just want you to know that I hid the weed. Once you find another job, I'll tell you where it is. Happy Hunting, bro.
You need to get over here. I think the drunks are about to sacrifice a chicken to the beer gods. Or a freshman. Stay tuned.
you really cant fit homeless dj into your budget? doubles as charity
Friendly reminder that on the walk home you tripped but instead of falling to the sidewalk, you tried to save it and ended up headbutting my ex-boyfriend in the balls. ILU.
Thought about you all night last night, then I fucked the shit out of my boyfriend. Win win for me.
Dude, you vomitted into a trashcan wearing your bear hands and high heels. Your drug dealer even said that was rough.
I just remembered I made you punch yourself in the face last night and I would like to formally apologize for that even though it was hilarious.
I found a used condom and a hairbrush in my dryer this morning.
Hiring someone to do your laundry would be a good investment.
I just slammed a bottle of white wine before I came to Whole Foods so basically I'm just training to be a middle aged white woman.
Randomize
