Come put a leash on your gf. She just challenged 8 cops to a wrestling match for 'tag team champion of the world'
you told all the 17 year old girls at the party that your mating call was "I glitter in the sun"
i've decided to use this saturday afternoon to take care of my pube situation
yea i thought the egg drop soup tasted weirdly like cum, and then i suddenly remembered what happened last night.
i'm never eating chinese again.
i probably shouldve stopped when i uncurled the curly straw in my cocktail because it was slowing me down
I did sing regulators with a random black dude at The Rail without looking at the screen, hugged him and walked off stage. I pretty much live up to all expectations.
Apparently coming home smelling like I took a bath in beer is frowned upon in this household. I'm so glad I don't actually live here.
sorry there isn't a 'perfect ass' emoji
She was nothing like her profile said, we had nothing in common, and her picture mustve been like 30 pounds ago. But yeah we hooked up
Testing the emergency boobs hotline
we were having a conversation about big dicks and the chick at the table beside us turned to us said "me and my boyfriend just broke up a few days ago. Could you please NOT talk about big dicks"
Who brings nunchucks to a funeral?
lmao he sent me a snapped but i'm afraid to open.
i think i have dick pic PTSD.
I had cheese pancakes which is pretty much just melting cheese in a frying pan and then eating it except youre in denial that your life is a wreck
This Asian instant coffee I found in ur kitchen is like crack. Who knew I could feel my heart beating in my asshole after one cup of this happiness.
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