quitting drinking is the number 5 new years resolution but number 4 is enjoying life more which one do you think im going to pick
The world would have a new energy source if someone would just take a blacklight to the backseat of that slut's car
She can't drink and she can't smoke weed. She might as well be dead to me.
What's the over under on catching something from your sister?
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
She spilled some tequila on her hair somehow and I guess I felt bad for her, so I yelled "ROOMIES FOR LIFE" and dipped my hair in my tequila.
The landlord called, GOOD NEWS! Noise violation #2! Something about people singing and fighting with vodka bottles in the parking lot. Well done us.
I'm pretty sure you and I ate the entire Keebler elf weed workshop
My motherfucking vibrator ran out of batteries right when I was about to orgasm. It's like he's possessed everything sexual in my life and has compelled it to NOT SATISFY ME.
How early is too early to study with margaritas?
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Sexting Captain while emailing my eharmony match about my low key weekend is hard.
Some crack addled fool from the sketch ass motel behind the restaurant just gave me a flyer for an AA group when I was on my smoke break. I don't do mornings
My friend asked me if I got home okay and I replied "Glad teat. Goodnight." Usually I can translate drunk me, but I'm even lost on that one.
i definitely signed you up to receive text message notifications from a jukebox last night. Not even sorry.
My mother expressed her concerns about my drinking via a facebook message.
getting my period the day i moved was my bodies way of saying 'congratulations youre not leaving town with anybodies babies!'
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