mutual masturbation is only cool if cash money records is involved.
"I want to just tie you up so you\'ll still be here like this when I get home." Actual words.
I've slept with so many tools that you'd think my pussy was Home Depot.
There's a wake for a coworker on 420 during te time of 420... Hoping everyone will be too sad to notice how high I am.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
I have hit nutritional rock bottom I am spreading peanut butter on to lays potato chips
He played the same pre-sex songs as his brother...
It was his birthday this weekend. I had to carry him 6 blocks, in 3 inch heels. The entire time he was trying to molest me, eat my face, and try to stop every two feet to tie his shoe. He would light a cigarette, forget about it, almost burn everyone, throw it out, then decide he wanted to smoke. He kept repeating that he trusts me with his life.
...Wow...
I could be a kindergarten teacher
You kept saying you only wanted to drink until you were sleepy. You succeeded if "sleepy" means you sleepied around with 4/6 of the guys there.
His water bottle is sitting on my coffee table like a monolith dedicated to the things he is not doing to my vagina.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
She just walked up to him and was like "you should fuck Angela" and it worked! She is the ultimate wingman
Signs of a stoner: trying everything in your fridge topped with peanut butter to seek satisfaction.
When you're high, you dance like an injured velociraptor.
I'm taking pictures of my asshole to send to my boss. This is not what I had in mind the day after thanksgiving.
There's a possibility I may have hooked up with that British guy...
Possibility? You left the door open! Everyone saw!
You "drove" the computer chair around the party for a good fifteen minutes. you would crash into things, freak out, and yell for an ambulance.
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