just got a rotting pancake and bacon in the mail from your address....
just got invited to smoke a bowl by a guy who has a prostetic leg and has been on the jerry springer show multiple times. I love my life right now
when I was too drunk to walk on my own two feet, he stole a shopping cart from the grocery store at the corner and proceeded to wheel me back to my apartment.
Then he tucked me in, gave me a goodnight kiss and slept on my sofa. I woke up this morning and he was making waffles.
he is a god among men.
He asked me to spit in his mouth. I did. Never let me hook up with this guy again.
I'd say you were a shitshow. Playing floating beer pong in the pool you kept filling other people's cups with pool water and laughing to yourself.
I distinctly remember calling the anesthesiologist a "sneaky little bastard" directly to his face
His name sounds so important....sounds like the name of my future baby daddy to me.
Good. Need a drinking partner later. FOR AMERICA!!!
The last thing I searched on my phone was "leave in conditioner on cats." This is where my life is.
not sure what stings more, my ass or my pride...
Mom said it is up to us to plan Thanksgiving. Hooters or Scores?
Or???
we didn't even throw knives this time! it was just the carrot peeler
he's drunk and referred to his shoes as foot condoms
seriously i don't trust him. he fed me a hot dog out of a crock pot and gave me moonshine dashed jager bombs.
Why is the toilet broken? Why did I wake up naked in the shower, hugging a bath mat? WHY IS THE TOILET BROKEN?
Is it just clogged or something?
No! There are actual chunks of toilet on the floor.
Randomize
