Blackberries need to come with a feature that disables texting to certain numbers after 2am based on content. liek disabling texting to 'dad' containng the words 'lets try to find more blow.'
turn left when you see the girl thats puking on the sidewalk. she hasnt been moving much so she makes a good street marker
I bought a fake diamond ring to wear, not only to bars to keep the creeps away, but so that I'll be judged less by the front desk girl at Planned Parenthood
we did it on the golf course and he threw the condom in the pond. some poor fish is gonna choke on it
as I was walking out the door her and her roommate started singing "toot it and boot it".. I'm in love
You were walking away to pee and as you were undoing your belt you looked at me and said "the belt is off. the game is on. Remever that."
IF IT WALKS LIKE A MANWHORE AND QUACKS LIKE A MANWHORE, HE PROBABLY HAS VD.
I just added a bunch of arbitrary options to my ouija board. Ghosts can now tell me "cheddar," "the homosexual agenda," "the whole foods vegan aisle," or "viable offspring"
Yes. I will keep putting the beer into my stomach and eventually the bartender will make a mistake
Just saw the mall santa roll by on a rascal scooter holding a chic-fil-a milkshake and stop to chat up trio of cute 20-somethings. New hero.
Dinner was cheetos vodka and whiskey. This is what happens when even your booty call breaks up with you.
You've created a tinder dominating monster.
And I'm bringing my coffee cup of wine.
Like, I don't need to know your life dude. I just need you to suck my tits.
My mom is coming to visit today & it's giving me anxiety. I feel like she can see through me & into the whore I've become.
Randomize
