So I'm at the Chevron by your house. I need a condom and a couch.
Together?
Preferably.
I've decided to bang my pen-pal.
she said she could "feel the heat of my groin" against her. ruined the whole fucking moment.
Woke up in an unfamiliar basement in a sleeping bag with Matt to a police officer shining his flashlight in my eyes and asking me my birth date and social security number. My morning went swimmingly.
I love you. And by the way. I found out a way for you to train your gag reflex. Elliot taught us in math.
this morning i woke up under the kitchen table. i went to my room and there was an inflatable whale in my bed with a banana duct taped to where its penis should be. there were trails of cheez-its around my apartment and i found $67 in the crotch of my underwear. im guessing i had a very happy birthday.
Nothing says I have a hang over like telling your boss to "eat your shit"
also I just used a straw to drink the juice out of a tomato b/c I forgot how to bite.
the threesome consisted of him fingering dana while i laid next to them watching how i met your mother.
Well. It was around 3 or 4 in the morning. He ran into the woods. Wearing moccasins. Holding an extension cord. He was trying to catch a deer. That about sums up the awesomeness of the night.
k. The important thing is we are going out. You are stones. I am mildly hallucenating.
If I'm not drunk and wearing a penguin hat by the time we are done opening Christmas presents then coming home for Christmas was a complete failure
DO NOT LET HIM TAKE CONTROL OVER YOUR BOWELS
I just slammed a bottle of white wine before I came to Whole Foods so basically I'm just training to be a middle aged white woman.
I'm eating chicken wings naked and hungover at 10am... Happy bday to me
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