Wish i knew that 10 minutes ago when i told him to dance with my blackberry while i got another drink
I'm torn. Shes everything I ever wanted, but I just cant get past the story about having drunken sex with her dog in high school.
I wish the holidays was like a drive thru. Get in. Get your presents. Get out.
you stole their roomba and ran out the door so that you could 'set it free'.
we found you passed out on lawn and the roomba bouncing back and forth on the sidewalk.
i just googled "alcohol delivery service". im combating drunk driving one lazy act a time.
I was very proud of myself that day. I had an awesome time. I don't care if I negatively impacted others.
holy shit thats the most artistic dick pic ever
I woke up at 4am on the floor covered in olive oil and fire extinguisher powder but all I wanted to know was where the rest of my booze was at.
Like 50% of me thinks it'll be weird, 25% of me is curious & 25% of me is horny
I felt like I was having sex with Joffrey from Game of Thrones. Needless to say how bad it was
just creeped your profile pictures and you should feel satisfied in knowing that you had great eyebrows even before people started drawing them on
You kept pointing at me and saying I'm getting chicken parmesan and no one is going to stop me
Like people our age are getting engaged, and I’m out here spooning with a giant unicorn I bought at Walmart on Black Friday.
im tired of guys just wanting to hook up with me. im like, guys, i know im pretty and i have a slammin bod and i love making out, but cant someone treat me with respect??
He's so drunk that he's ignoring me and just doing what my cat does.
Oh god he's trying to eat cat food... I don't know if I should stop him or continue laughing....
Randomize
