dude, i look like john mccains neck right now
I woke up to 'call me' written in red lipstick on my chest. Thats the hottest/sluttiest thing ever. I win at LIFE!
theres a difference between trying to make someone happy and letting them fuck you in the ass
I don't care how old I am, if it's your 21st birthday I'm going to make out with you.
The worst decision I made last night was allowing myself to be duct taped to the ceiling
no. i discovered the *exact* amount of drugs i need to do to understand calculus.
At one point, he came in to give her a pep talk, and then after he left, she just kept whispering his name into the toilet between heaves.
I feel like I should pray to the god of Febreze, because it is like it washes away the smell of all my sins from the bed
Are you really surprised she can't remember? That's like 50 people. I couldn't rattle off all 50 state capitols off the top of my head, you're bound to forget a few here and there
He showed me his scar from his appendix surgery. It was educational and fun....
I'm proud of you for choosing to be an organ donor on your fake!!
This band has the most fuckable violin player I have ever seen.
I walked into the bathroom and there's this 6'5" cop washing his hands. He looks at me and goes, "Heard you singing outside. Sound real pretty."
No more tequila EVER.
I’m also apparently a very socialist drunk now
Instead of a horny one. All I want to fuck is capitalism these days.
The neighbor just poured gasoline on his 2 brush fires and proceeded to shoot Roman candles at them 🤔
Randomize
