I'm so glad you managed to take a picture of your foreskin before you broke my camera.
I watched her choke out a bouncer with the broken strap from her purse, I think shes the one.
Weekend has begun hello red wine at 10am on a Wednesday
you flashed my boyfriend last night so i tackled you to the floor. you may be a bit sore.
Dude that girl I hooked up with Tuesday is in lecture. I told her I was from the Dominican visiting my cousin and was leaving the next day. Hiding under my hood and hangover.
I can't even look at my running shoes. I swear I drank more in the last 2 days than the last 6 months combined
I was getting sick from all the peanut butter I had to lick off
Stop bitching. YOU SHOULD FEEL BLESSED TO HAVE LICKED PEANUT BUTTER OFF OF THESE TOTTERS
Stripper with the black hair and lip rings is still asleep. Found out she wasn't lying when she said she was a squirter, it was like splash mountain.
I seem to have forgotten that I am wearing a one piece bathing suit under my clothes
Here's the thing, you got road head in two different cars tonight. You feel lucky yet?
Cat. Why do you sit on things I need to use.
Because it is cat.
Everyone I slept with in 2016 is getting a Christmas card from me. Because I'm an adult.
If you fuck up my birthday by dying I will kick your fucking corpse.
Just woke up and read the text that drunk me sent you, i take it all back, and you can't have my power puff girl pillow either.
I'm sorry I missed your birthday brunch. If it makes you feel any better I woke up wearing someone else's toga and a sombrero
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