I can't believe the cop was so cool about the whole thing, I mean, I had man mayo all over my jeans.
I am not a stalker...i just bring a whole new meaning to the word love
If I can't get a one-legged man to love me, what the hell chance do I have with a NORMAL guy???
You said you couldnt get the condom on but "its the thought that counts"
He called my vagina a rainforest. This is coming from a guy whose pubes are longer than his dick.
Dude you missed it. This guy in the liquor store knocked over a whole display of 5 hour energy with his face.
My family will be here in an hour and I'm deciding between doing my makeup or saying fuck it and wearing what's left of last night's...
yeah, I don't think I'm getting into the baseball game tonight. The security guard definitely saw me bowl over that child.
Ok thats great. so just to recap: you fucked a billionare in his penthouse last night, and I had a glass of wine on the toilet.
I can't go to the bars anymore. She wanted to see me again and I drunkenly told her I was moving today. If she spots me I'm fucked.
He said "send me a motivational picture" so I sent one with mayo on my face that said "clearly I'm no stranger to white stuff on my face"...I'm the fuckingng worst
Woke up with a pineapple again... where do i keep on getting these ??
Hypothetical question: Would it be wrong to tell the annoying children who don't listen to their parents that the motel is haunted?
Do you knowhow much it sucks to puke in an automatic toilet? Not fun.
Ew.
It takes talent let's just say that
It's taking all of my will power not to chug this margarita. This must be the life of an adult...
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