dude, i look like john mccains neck right now
When we were fucking i started barking and growling at her.. you shoulda seen her face
Just found out that wake n bake is not one of the 7 habits of highly effective people..
Why would he get rid of a girl with no gag reflex? I don't get it.
I don't remember him, but he's saved in my phone as "uh oh zbt"
We've already decided our costumes for next Halloween. She's going as Cookie Monster and I'm going as Elmo. She's just going to ask for Oatmeal Cookie shots, and I'm asking for Red-Headed Slut shots.
Dude, its January.
We're going to do the voices too.
you realize you insisted on them having a dance off to korean music to determine who takes you home?
There are two women in my bed. I'm gonna have a bowl of noodles so I can better understand my success.
Just walked into your room to get my clothes and he's still passed out in your bed. Remind me to high five you when you get home
Fucking in bar bathrooms doesn't count as "rushing things"
Today is a wonderful day to be mildly hungover
Finding an empty bathroom to shit on campus is like the quest for the fucking Holy Grail. Except with more stench and humiliation.
then a garbage truck rolls up to the club, they hop out, and walk right in like they own the place
He kept telling me my vagina was a pleasure cave... I ended up just taking it as a complimetn
Crazy homeless man drinking beer out of a vitamin water container on the bus just set me up on a date with the yuppie next to him
Randomize
