does the new i-phone have a pregnancy test app?
I sware she could use her own nose as a dildo.
Did you wake up with "jello shots" stamped on your hand too?
I just passed on expense account drinking, this must be the worst hangover ever.
Need a travel agent to tell me which countries in Asia have legalized prostitution for New Year. Fireworks would be cool too.
He had a ladies night special at his place. Unlimited jello shots till 10, 50 cents after.
I'm more concerned about the fact that I can't feel my gums
No one figured out why I brought along the vibrating massager.
I legitimately forgot how to blow my nose just now. Sleep might be handy.
Just sharpening my eyeliner with a butterfly knife. You know. Typical weekday morning.
you know it's a good party when the fucking floor caves in. THE FUCKING FLOOR.
THANKS BE TO BLACK BABY JESUS IN HIS LITTLE GOLDEN DIAPER FOR BLESSING ME WITH NOT PREGNANT
You kicked my dad IN THE NUTS right when he walked in.
Sorry, man. Thought he was a cop.
Apparently I was so drunk last night I got stuck in the revolving door at the hotel. They have suveliance vidoes of it.
Sometimes I just take my boobs out of my shirt so they can get some fresh air
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