You can't motorboat a personality
turns out Discover card thinks that if you spend $450 at four different liquor stores in one evening that the card "must have been stolen"
yeah he didnt know till after their one year. You have no idea how bad i wanna say "dude i sucked on those boobs before you"
Your cat is quite the conversationalist after some tequila and shrooms
She had a cast on when I met her, but she blamed me for breaking her arm this morning. I'm gonna marry this girl.
I ordered a VEGAN pizza, because it gets here the fastest, just so I could get a 2 litre of Coke. For my whiskey.
I made people serenade her before talking to her and went on a condom run. If I'm going to be in the friend zone, I'm going to be its fucking king.
I'm going to start referring to my liver is Livy. I feel like if I give it an affectionate nickname it will hate me less. Livy isn't ready for syllabus week.
I think we all know your liver needs a man's name.
she's sitting there like the lesbian godfather. A cigarette in one hand and a titty in the other.
Hey douche face I just want you to know, if you ever got hit by a bus, I'd really miss you.
Only if you died obviously.
I just made some sangria and taking a roadie on my stroller walk around the hood! Parenting at its finest
I broke a rule
Which One?!
The one where I shouldn't sleep with your friends. I broke this particular rule 4 times.
You're officially the worst brother ever.
You could cut the tension with my nipples.
Step 1 was make out with him. so now we just need to come up with step 2.
I had a date last night. His dog threw up in his bed while we were having sex in it.
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