So I'm really hungover walking to work and these douches from comcast on bikes ask if they can take a picture with me to show that they're doing their job. The picture: me, this chick from comcast, i'm holding a 2 ft. pixie stick, a comcast flyer and i'm puking in the parking lot. sounds like their doing a good job!
I wonder sometimes what your vagina thinks about you.
herpes texted me again. he says he wants my vagina.
ok we should really consider changing this guys nickname...
Passive mediator is your role in this relationship. My role is dick punching arsonist
Dude just pulled his dick out and started stroking it and making s sound like cocking a shotgun....wtf was in those e pills
So the day after the 4th I'm sitting here drinking Molson and watching NHL free agent frenzy. From patriotic American to drunken Canadian in 24 hours flat. Booyah.
Nothing like cleaning out your cleavage from lunch, finding cookie crumbs and eating them...
With a stable of 7 fuck buddies, I literally use a random number generator to determine the order in which I will booty call them on my way home from work. I have not slept in my own bed in a month. I just keep half my clothes hanging in my car or in a suitcase.
Was having relations of the behind variety with my girlfriend. Based on where we were at I could see myself in the bathroom mirror. You know I did the Patrick Bateman point and wink at the mirror and turned on sissudio by Phil Collins.
People were wondering why I started hanging out with him after high school, the simple answer is now that I don't see his dorky ness everyday I can just focus on his amazing penis.
I had sex in a panda mask the other night.
He doesn't have an existential crisis after we have really violent sex now which is nice
I'm drunk and he's still weird.
Do you lock your house? Serious question, I need to know if I can add it to my list of emergency poop stops
For future reference: When the bouncer is approaching you to remove you from his bar, you don't respond by taking off your pants.
Randomize
