drunk at some random house party. come get me. i thought i pulled my dick out to go piss... it was my left nut. im soaked.
how the fuck does easy mac keep making itself at 3am when i'm wasted? what is this phenomenon?
its freezing days like this when i seriously consider littering to speed up the global warming processes.
I looked at my arm when I woke up..I guess after 8 tally marks I said fuck it and wrote "too much"
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
I'm one shot of soco 100 away from fucking a mailbox
You are the only one who would stop a bum, tell him to open up, then pour straight vodka in his mouth. You made his year.
I just realized how early it is, you're taking this booty call thing to a whole other level. also, there are altoids all over my room, that was weird
Her stripper name is Geico. I'm not drunk or creative enough to make this up.
It sounds miserable..I have to wear a dress and it's a cash bar?
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
No no don't get confused. We do chemistry homework on Thursdays. We screw on Fridays. Other than that, Words With Friends is our only communication five days a week. We are NOT dating.
Doing bumps while the kids play upstairs. #bestnannyever
My friend had to carry her up the steps on his shoulder, and then she got up, found an ironing board and set it up in my friend's room just in case he needed to iron things.
I wore sunglasses to take a shower. I might be hungover.
I kept telling you not to give them blowjobs, but you kept screaming back, "it's okay, we're friends on facebook!"
How was your night?
Fell down a flight of stairs. Went to a sex dungeon. Was approached by a man in a leather harness.
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