The freshman came home at 9 this morning with one heel, no pants, and a strangers sweatshirt covered in tequila-scented vomit. I think we're done corrupting her for a while.
I was just handed a mimosa the size of my head. Stay tuned.
I picked her up for our first date on a fucking horse. Of course I got a BJ.
He said to me this morning that we should finish these beers, go and get plan B then on the way back, go to the pub to celebrate the death of our baby. I love Manchester.
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she slipped a pinky in my ass. Not sure if I came because I liked it or if I was terrified by it.
Drunk cheerio confetti may seem like a brilliant idea when your drunk, but believe me, the next day, its a horrible, horrible mess.
The last time I saw you, you were rolling around on the ground at the bar.....
.....well it was bound to be an interesting night since I was chasing my pulls with pulls....
Besides. I seriously had a dream that George W Bush came over and slapped some tabs down on my kitchen counter and said "let's get juiced.". It was a sign to not get too fucked up
This is a rough morning for me
No, rough is puking in your froyo cup next to a five year old and her grandma.
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How do you explain to a guy that he's like a little puppy dog that you play with, but then leave at the shelter to go home to your German Shepard?
OMG I WAS JUST THINKING ABOUT HOW OUR FRIENDSHIP IS SO REAL BECAUSE I SHOW YOU DICK PICS AND WE LAUGH TOGETHER.
He is more interested in finding his sweater than he is in having sex with me. It better be a great fucking sweater.
After the day I've had, I can't decide if donuts or fireball would be the appropriate priority.
I just tried to snap you a picture of the CVS where we decided not to become parents.
Fuck. I did it again. I plugged in my toaster and walked away thinking it needed to preheat. I am dumb.
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