at a bar with my ex girlfriend.. both men AND WOMEN are hitting on her.. and not one has even looked at me
He DELETED brick breaker off his blackberry why even bother trying to find something in common?
I dk what to do with this kid he is like legitimately interested in my life.
woke up in my one night stand's bed and barfed all over her floor. she came back from the bathroom, looked at the vomit, looked at me and said "normally i'd tell you to clean it and get the fuck out, but i remember the sex was good, so i'll let it go." Score.
HOW DID U BEAT A GAY GUY IN GAY CHICKEN?
So I wake up this morning with a bottle of dish detergent and a dildo. Good call on bringing those girls from community college.
Next test. Underwater blowjob. If you fail...out of water blow job
Did my good deed for the day.. Helped an old guy hide his beer on the NJ transit while the ticket lady came by
No one would take shots with Caroline so she asked the bartender for like 20 jagerbombs and then shouted "JAGERBOMBS FOR HOMELESS ANIMALS BENEFIT" and everyone started doing them with her
They were swingers. Real swingers. Thought it was going to be awesome until some fat guy tried to put my dick in his mouth.
I danced with this guy last night, I left like I was humped by a blind baby kangaroo trying to body-box.
Totally had a conversation drunk last night with a bisexual chick at my apartment in Spanglish too.
You're a hero.
Your boyfriend being in jail is really helping my social life! #GotASingleDrinkingBuddyAgain
Apparently last night I was doing back bends for the guy making my easy mac because clearly it wasn't easy enough for me.
Remember that gum I swallowed 3 days ago? I just threw it up.... whole.
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