I can't believe believe she called me a slut. She doesn't know anything about me or my life.
Shit, that's something a lot of sluts say.
Im gonna name my vag after egypt, "the valley of kings"
Too late. I'm going over there. I'm a bad example for all women: Do as I say, not who I do.
My booty call just put me down for a reference for her job at the hospital. What am I supposed to say? She gives great bj's?
Got another job?
If by job you mean clever way of getting free tattoos, then yes. I got another job.
I just offered a cat a "drinky drinky" I'd say my night has started
I cant see straight, her clothes are all over my floor and I'm covered in bite marks... No I will not go to brunch with you
Would seriously like to slash his tires but then I feel like I'd have to deal with him longer.
Fuck that, come home. Let's get drunk and judge people.
Well in other news, my nipples are healing pretty well but next time I get drunk and decide to pierce something please for the love of god stop me!
cake and sex. what better combination is there.
Your dad was just slow dancing with the priest and holding a beer. Classic
I can't believe you tried to cock block me from A DIFFERENT TIME ZONE.
The gyno waiting room is so strange because the pregnant woman next to me is making a PowerPoint of her pregnant photo shoot with her husband and I’m sitting here trying to figure out from Instagram who I had sex with on Sunday lol
You kept on yelling traitor and threatened to kill him and everyone he loves because he played beerpong with someone else
Randomize
