Somedays I wish I were a bird. Then people wouldn't be so grossed out when I vomit
girl you didnt miss much. except me passing out for 3 hours AT JOBBIE NOONER on some random's boat. i was topless, then completely naked. heard girls were throwing ice cubes at me. i was useless. remember nothing.
I think she kind of thinks she's better than us now ... please. I go to Michigan.
i was actually impressed that she managed to throw up underwater while scuba diving
You swear the intervention is for her? I've fallen for that one twice.
The cops said we could pay $250 or spend the night in jail and get 2 free meals. I might pee in mail-boxes more often
I know. he thinks we're 'meant to be'. No we're fucking not. God wouldn't give my soulmate a pencil dick.
He's asking if he can send a dick pic. How do I politely decline that?
Mostly i might never get belligerent again because im gonna have to keep track of a diamond ring.
He told me he was married and then fingered me on the kitchen counter. It was awkward to explaining the broken toaster to my roommates this morning...
I was stuffing my vagina with gummy bears last night having him eat them out of me. Team Haribo for the win!
being serenaded is actually kind of awkward 2/10 do not reccommend
Sorry again for almost setting you on fire.
i woke up on the floor in front of the fireplace and my last google search was "fuck sponges"
He told his wife he was too old to pretend to be straight. She tried to argue. He walked two tables over and was like this is my highschool sweetheart and he's an excellent fuck, we're running away together. It was epic.
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