Rescue me. My white trash great uncle just pulled out his belly at the restaurant to show us how big this woman's tit was
New rule during sex: if it causes you to take your rings off, don't do it.
you cant just puke in an arbys and not order food. thatd be rude.
Do you know how disconcerting it is to hear the sound a dog makes while it drinks water and find out that it's someone eating you out?
Brandon's Recipe: two parts cocoa, one part sugar, one part milk, two parts four, 378 parts paranoia. Thanks for the fucking brownies, bitch.
I legitimately thought I was gonna die getting finger banged to ja rule in the back of your car last night.
I guess, all I remember was giving you road head the whole way there so you wouldn't fall asleep.
So it was all good until she started grabbing my beard and telling me to "roar little lion"
He yelled "I'm Bruce Springsteen!" when he came. This is why I don't sleep with guys from Jersey.
I told him I was ready for another round and he said, "after this part." What guy chooses James Bond over pussy?!
Last night at a party someone grabbed my ass so I just fucking punched them in the face then went home and ate a frozen pizza
If you don't come home and fuck me soon I'm walking over there naked and dragging you home by your penis
Bootycalls can't go limp that's like against the law
God yes pancakes and booze sounds like the best night ever.
True life: I inadvertently fucked a whole friend group. More details to come tonight.
Randomize
