my phone needs a breathalizer
so he expects you to be his vegas whore for the season. nice.
seriously this is one of those moments where im glad i dont really talk to or know the people i sleep with
Well said.
I will give everyone a free pointer today. Here it goes, always pee by the house late at night to avoid getting shot by drunk bastards with guns. Never go by the tree line.
if you google earth my address you can see me getting out of my car. finally my moment of being famous
Well on a lighter note, guess who just threw up in the elevator
Thanks for talking me down from peeing on his window last night.
I am now curious as to how you would have aimed.
Sat down on an escalator. That hungover.
You're obviously not trying hard enough. GET LAID. Kittens die for less.
Touche salesman.
Good news. I heard back from the doctor and I don't have a liver problem.
...yet.
You ruined me. I can't stop referring to everything outside as the "no-walls" ever since you showed me that video while I was tripping balls. My speech may be permanently altered for the rest of earth spins
Still slightly drunk, sitting in Hyde park village. Two small children are dancing and singing "call me maybe" on the fountain in front of me. Am I hallucinating?
Gay bathhouses. They're actually a thing. So god does exist. And he doesn't hate me as much as you think he does
I didn't know how wild the party was going to be until one girl brought her pet raccoon
Yep, you're going to hell.
I take on this great possibility with a beer in one hand and the girl I'm gonna fuck later in the other
Randomize
