You went to the wrong car, tried to open the locked door, and started crying because you thought we were playing a mean trick. Then the owner came...
Should I go home with him even though I know my Run DMC undies have skid marks on them?
Hangovers were designed by God when he decided that so far he had taken it WAY TOO EASY on me.
i thought i'd fucked her to death. no lie. she just stopped moving.
Good, she had spurs on her boots. That is a sign for instant herp attack.
I just walked into my exam wearing a mans tshirt and Alex's size 13 crocs twenty min late carrying only a pencil and my heels...I'm not real
Getting business cards printed for tonight. Would you rather be: 1. Vice President of Argentina 2. Celebrity Dental Assistant or 3. Dial-Up Internet Technician
3. Dial-Up Internet Technician.
She said I looked exactly like my dad. Then she made out with me. Should I be questionable?
He was bigger soft than my ex was hard. A gold medal rebound.
How am I supposed to be friends with him when there's an exact replica of his dick in my underwear drawer?
He just grabbed my boob and justified it by saying "I just wanna feel your heart beat"
Send me another check for the tickets. I scratched out "anal wax" and now the bank won't take it.
Yes dating, but it seems easier to just live in a perpetual state of Netflix, internet porn, and cheese.
My boss's toddler just went through my bag and found your vibrator...you owe me a drink.
The whole country is going to hell in a handbasket but I got a grade A fucking and don't particularly care.
Randomize
