Life lesson: Don't ever put your penis in a crazy girl. Especially if she's married. And has a kid.
im not picky. i just want someone whod go down on me while im writing my psych midterm paper. thats not a lot to ask.
It was huge And he was twirling it around. Im telling you, beautiful wonderpenis
If I go there, please come with. It will accelerate the lesbian rumor but be totally worth it.
hungover subway ride filled with german tourists and a mariachi band. too early. too fuckin early
I just stole a cupcake from somebody's bottle service
And I got $4 when somebody made it rain.
Do you have any booze?
Well I have 60 feet of bubble wrap and a bottle of wine...but I'm saving that for a special girl...
I was drunk petting a fox and taking shots of Jager. That's about as outdoorsy as it gets.
And I just want to be like your tongue is not a FUCKING sword
I drank a girls breast milk at this wedding. Shit was next level
A thong just fell out of my purse in front of my whole class maybe I should stop using this morning class as my walk of shame
Okay so it turns out that my bf keeps a log of every time I sleep-fart. It's dated back to 2013.
I don't need this shit right now. I just woke up covered in pistachios
dude it's 9am and i'm still drunk it's too early for sexting
You're not who I thought you were. You've changed.
Then you guys just all showered together...?
Randomize
