mom just said that her bf is good in bed. fml.
i am watching a movie about a vagina with teeth and then you sent that to me while im eating sushi.
Well to be completely honest its more of a 'i wanna do things to you that your parents would not enjoy hearing about' mood
if i wake u up at 5am tmrw by coming into ur room wearing nothing but my indiana jones hat and purple socks while singing 'courtesy of the red white + blue' will u be pleased or annoyed
keep in mind this isn't open to negotiation, i'm just trying to gauge ur reaction
why does hillary duff have a greatest hits album?
I didnt shave my beard last night, so I could feel it while Im shrooming today
I'll put it this way. My grandkids felt that fuck.
i knew you were okay when you wanted to eat in the ambulance
Some guy dressed like Santa just handed me a bottle of tequila. I NEVER WANT TO LEAVE CANCUN
Also I'm very proud of th fact that I walked my dog before bed. Drunk dog walking should be an Olympic sport; it takes SKILLS.
You were stoned out of your mind. We were eating cold cuts and you wouldn't shut up about how it was the wettest meat you'd ever felt in your life.
He puked over my shoulder into the toilet. The guy in the next stall sounded totally appalled.
We were licking ciroc off the poker table
I feel like I have a very capable uterus.
I AM BEING ACCOSTED BY A HUMMING BIRD
I AM IN MILD DISTRESS
just had an allergic reaction to my dildo. My life is ruined.
Randomize
