you got kicked out last night because right after you said "whats up?" to us, you downed your whole vodka ton and threw it across the bar.
i'm starting to get really nervous about the relationship i have with my cat
I dont think she was a real nurse but she was good at it. wish I rememebrd her name
Are you sighing at your phone and judging me right now?
you're asking me why i keep burn ointment in my purse.... do you really want to know the answer to that question?
I asked a lamppost to be my valentine. Also: I'm wearing a sombrero. We need more sombrero in our lives.
my dad just paid them in porn...i no longer feel guilty for getting hammered and not helping
At least I look tastefully trashed. My nipples are hidden and I'm standing up.
Couple of things: my nipples are blue and knowing that at some point I'm going to have to poop is incredibly terrifying
I have a kicked-out-of-multiple-bars level hangover today
Hold on. At Sephora trying to decide what despair smells like.
Let's just says his mouth writes a lot of checks that his penis just can't cash. Don't waste your time.
Just walked past the field playing Jesus music with a fanny pack full of condoms and beer. Happy Sunday.
I apparently tried to wax off my nipples.This explains the pain
I'll bring spiced rum
I am not drinking that devil juice
Randomize
