I woke up with ten beers in my bag that hoarded at the party last night. Rally? Its five somewhere.
She said you were bangin on the counters of McDonalds singing "These Eyes" at 4am
I got laid because I told her I play guitar. I haven't played in 7 years and only know a G chord. I love this place.
I made my rape whistle into a roach clip device. FRESHMAN YEAR!
The magic cards should have been the first clue. The comments that I have "amazing birthing hips" and that I'm "beautiful in a child bearing sort of way just sealed his fate.
Having him as a wingman is like telling the girl you already have aids
I don't know if I have the sustained energy level for partying hard
Not a choice. You are mistaking my comments as options. My statements are facts. This is what is happening.
My neighbor Chris is here. I am warning you, he is wearing a kilt I just saw his balls. Be incredibly careful that you don't see what I did.
Walked back to my room from the bus last night and all I see is 3 of my friends on the porch chugging whiskey and then throwing up in unison
What's sexier than showing up smelling like fast food cigarettes with a jar of moonshine in your hand
Go have fun. I'm gonna go shower off the regret.
He's a real gentleman. At least he tried to flush my closet's handle after he pissed in it.
You just missed an honest to god bukkake
I wish people could trade lives with me for a day so they could see how much better my life is compared to theirs
I either have food poisoning or I'm pregnant. Either way, I NEED JESUS!
Randomize
